THE WOMAN I WANT TO BE
A guest post from Heather Bleier:
I grew up in the security of knowing my parents
loved me and loved each other dearly. I also knew Jesus as my Lord,
Savior, and confidant and that He had a plan for my life. I was excited
to find out what He had in store for me.
With a flair for drama, I’d break out into song anytime and
anywhere…grocery stores were my favorite. When I was five, I boldly told
my mom I was going to be the next Celine Dion. But as my faith grew, I
decided to become a contemporary Christian artist instead. I joined
every choir I could. By middle school I was in our church’s Praise Team
and adult choir, plus two of my school choirs. I could picture myself
being on stage one day, singing my heart out for God; perhaps sharing a
duet with Celine Dion at one of my concerts.
Life, however, rarely goes the way we plan.
As a young girl a man exposed himself to me and tried convincing me
to follow him into the woods. Although I didn’t go with him, it left me
feeling confused and ashamed. My parents divorced while I was in middle
school. If that wasn’t hard enough to process, just before I started
high school, my ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me.
I wanted to be strong for those around me, so I chose not to tell anyone.
Throughout high school I pressed on, pretending nothing bad happened.
I became a skilled actress, fooling even myself. Food became the only
controllable thing in my life; going without for days at a time. When I
graduated, I moved to Austin, TX to go to college. It was supposed to be
a fresh start. I was supposed to be able to leave my pain in San
Antonio, allowing it to vanish from my memory. It didn’t. Instead, my
wounds were torn open when I was assaulted again in the fall of my
freshman year. I silently clung to the cross harder than ever.
Still, I felt broken and empty inside, useless for ministry or
marriage. How could someone prevail, becoming a woman of purpose and
confidence?
One night, I hit rock bottom. God’s Word told me He was with me, but I
felt forgotten and alone. As I stood in my room in despair, I thought
about taking my own life as I held a knife to my wrist. I begged God to
tell me how any of my past would fit into His plans. I needed to know;
otherwise I had no reason to remain in existence. It was just too hard.
There are no words to describe what happened next. The devil’s hot
breath was in my ear, urging me forward. But then I felt God wrap
Himself around me, holding on to all I was worth as I crumbled to the
floor. He spoke Jeremiah 29:11 into my heart, and I fully surrendered my
life to Him, my plans, and every broken piece of my heart.
Through every trial, every pain, I had to cling to the
promises poured out in God’s Word. Instead of being ruled by my ravaged
emotions, I learned to stand firm on His unshakeable Truths.
Healing hasn’t been easy. But it’s been possible as I have filtered
my thoughts through God’s Word… which is unchanging, true, and from the
One who loves His children beyond what we can hope for or imagine.
I have clung to Psalm 46, especially the first two verses. Regardless
of how I “felt” the Truth remained, God was WITH me through every
trial, every pain, and He caught every tear. This simple Truth stays
with me even now when hard times come.
Music has been another way God has spoken His Truths and comfort to
my heart in a BIG way. I found music artists that helped me stay focused
on who God is and who I wanted to be in Him. Margaret Becker’s album
Soul was the first Christian CD I remember owning and every song filled
me with hope, comfort, God’s Truth, and some really awesome 90’s dance
moves.
Every day I have to make a choice. I can either choose to be
swallowed by my painful past or my daily circumstances. Or, I can have
faith in God’s plan for my life. I now know faith isn’t about believing everything will turn out well…it’s about trusting God NO MATTER how things turn out.
To be the woman we want to be, we must see ourselves through God’s eyes.
We must cling to the cross of Jesus Christ and to His promises. He does
not falter when our emotions run circles around our hearts. His view of
us does not change…ever. We will always be His children. As His beloved
daughters we can become the women HE wants us to be!
As Renee shared in Chapter 11, God tells us we are: Chosen, Redeemed, Loved, Remembered, Secure, Able and Called.
These are Truths worth clinging to. We don’t have to be confident in
ourselves rather, we must have confidence in God’s love. Confident that
He sees us; He knows our hurts and where is needed. He also knows our
whole story and how it fits into the lives of others.
I so agree with Renee: “I pray that you will become a catalyst for
other women to learn to live in the power of God’s promises because they
have seen it happen to you.”
I didn’t become a professional singer. God moved in my heart to
become a Director of Christian Education. He showed me that my calling
was to help lead others to His heart, to demonstrate trust in His plans
above our own…no matter what may happen.
It's a great post.. Thanks.
ReplyDelete